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Jun. 1st, 2010

Here we go again

Ok, so I haven't updated this for a while because (basically) my life has been one big emo roller coaster the last 7 months. Are things getting better? I don't know, but I'm seriously making an effort to fix everything up.

The last time I posted was, what? January? James and I had gone on a break, and I though we were done forever. 24 hours later, we called the break off and began patching up our relationship.
We're still patching things up left, right and centre. Mostly, it's my fault. I'm not going to lie - I literally went insane and gave up on everything. Can't really expect a boy to bounce back from that now, can you? I can't tell what the future holds for him and I anymore, but I think that the less I think about our future the better. It's really about the here and now, and getting through each day. We spent a lovely weekend together at my house in front of the log fire, toasting marshmallows, playing with expensive cameras and watching movies. Maybe one day he'll tell me he wants to marry me again, and I sure as hell wont take that for granted again. 

The last few months I have experienced some of the happiest moments of my life from Caesar - previously unmentioned in this blog, he is my 6 month old guinea pig. I love that rodent more than life itself, and I would do anything for him. I'm grateful to have him, even when he gets he shits with me wanting to hold him all the time and nipping at my thumbs. His squeaks entertain me, and Mum and I have taught him to Beg, Stretch and use the litter tray. He's such a beautiful animal. I'll post pictures later. The strange thing is that I keep having nightmares that I lose him; that he dies etc. They happen almost every night and it's starting to bug me. :( Not cool, huh?

Surprisingly, I'm still at uni. I'm halfway through my degree and have just enrolled in the winter semester. I'll be juggling two units (French and Web Design) with my part time job at a private health insurance company which doesn't sound that difficult. Right? Eeeeeh. Wrong. I've been uber sick lately with the stomach specialist telling me I might have Crohn's disease so I'm living every day with constant nausea and horrific stomach cramps. Just recently too, my kidneys have started to give me some trouble, so this time next week I'll be fronting up at The Hound's office, demanding some assistance for this crippling state of health and seeing what answers he still doesn't have for me. Last night was the worst .... severe cramps, near vomiting, body tremors. Ew. Hate it so much!

So that's a super quick update for now ... I'll post again later on when I have a bit more time on my hands. For now, it's time to go to work. *le sigh*

Jan. 15th, 2010

All the things you said.

"It's been 24 hours and I am over it. I want this to work because I am so ridiculously in love with you. I am so sorry for what I have done and I hope you can find it within you to forgive me"

"I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you both now and previously"

"I am wearing the same t-shirt as yesterday and all I can smell is you. It's driving me nuts. I lost it last night. I didn't know what to do."

"I couldn't think of what it would be like to be without you"

Nov. 22nd, 2009

Fear

The second I go to sleep, I'm afraid you will never wake up. I felt like I owed to you to be there beside you all day - I wanted to be, but I just couldn't do it. I saw your tiny body slumped against the side of the wall - inactive; completely robbed of energy and it broke my heart in a hundred different ways. As I sat outside in the storm I thought about how temporary all life is - from human kind, to animals, to plants ... Even foundations. Nothing in this world is permanent and it seems that I can't handle death. The most inevitable part of living and I can't think about it. I feel like the worst person in the world for how I have treated you. I only wanted to give you the best but it seems that I'm the one whose killing you. Everyone tells me that I've done everything I can for you, that "what will be, will be" - but I can't settle for that. I'll keep trying everything I can to save you. I'll pray for a miracle. Why is it so easy for everyone else but so hard for me to do this right? I'm such a horrible person and I'm so incredibly sorry that I bought you into this environment; into this life. I just wanted to give you everything you could have ever wanted. I just wanted you to have a perfect life and to be with me for the long haul. I'm so sorry baby. I love you forever.

Nov. 10th, 2009

(no subject)

 What's the point of having a boyfriend if he can't attend anything with you? Not even your grand parent's 60th wedding anniversary.

Nov. 6th, 2009

You have to follow through

[Warning: Epic rant containing the painful truth]

Since you have been home I have experienced a tumult of emotions. Sometimes I'm happy beyond belief, the majority of the time though, I swear my life would be easier without you. After eleven months of dating there was talk of you spending your first night at my house this weekend. Now you're saying that you'll play it by ear - usually a good indiction that you're ready to bail.
But my finances have officially run out. I can no longer afford the fuel to drive an hour and a half to your house to see you, or afford to spend a week down the coast with you and your friends. You're the person who earns an obscene amount of money every week - why can't you come to see me? More importantly - why can't you ever follow through with anything that you say?
You keep telling me that things will get better when we see each other but you're so busy that we never do. You told me we were supposed to do something during the week. It's Friday - we've done nothing. You were going to bail on Amy's Melbourne Cup party too, even though you knew one of the reasons I was going was to catch up with you. Things were supposed to be different. We talked on Tuesday night and I told you everything that was bothering me. But it hasn't made a difference at all. At the end of the day it's still me chasing after you - it's still me who gets hurt waiting and wishing for you to come good with your promises to change how things are between us. I asked you if you honestly thought that we could fix everything and you simply said that you didn't know - but that we had to try. But what's the point in trying when all I ever do is get hurt by you?
You said that you were trying to chase your dream here - Well what about my dream? You think you're the only person in the world who has aspirations. I want to be an animator and work for Dreamworks or Disney Pixar. Do you want to know what happened to MY dream? I sacrificed it the moment I chose you over my studies. Now I have failed this semester for absolutely nothing. You don't know any of this because you've never bothered to ask. Jess is right - You have typical Only Child Syndrome - you only ever think about YOURSELF. Hell, you don't even ask how I am. It's just always about you.
I told you the other night that I would never ask you to choose between photography and myself, because I knew which one you would choose and it would never be me. I don't think I have ever stood in the way of your dreams. I have never asked you to spend time with me and not attend a concert or wedding that you were supposed to shoot. No, I've trailed along to concerts ... I've waited hours for you to finish shooting a wedding - but I have NEVER asked you to give up your dream to spend time with me, so don't you DARE make me feel guilty for being your girlfriend. God, this is NOT how it's supposed to be at all ... 
You said our relationship didn't have the spark that it use to have - I told you it was because I was scared that I'd get hurt again.
You can't even begin to imagine how much my trip overseas affected me. I cried for 23 hours on the flight home. Once I was in Australia I called every psychologist in Canberra organising a time to see them, because I was so sure that the problem was with ME. I have been on anti depressants since the day after I came home because I simply cannot deal with you - and as for my self esteem? Well, I now have none. Because all you want me for is my god damn body. I'm not attracted to you anymore, in any way whatsoever. All I do is hurt because I know that no matter what you say things will never change.
If you really knew how much going to London to see you affected me, you would know that for weeks I had thought about some fantastic ways to commit suicide so I wouldn't have to put up with being second best in your life. The first - taking an empty syringe and injecting air into my bloodstream. In a matter of seconds, I'd be dead from a heart attack. The second - accidentally on purpose forgetting to turn a corner on the highway at 130k's an hour. Then I wondered what the point would be. You wouldn't care. Hell - you wouldn't even KNOW. If something happened to me, you would never find out because you don't know my family, my friends or even my address. There would be no way you could contact anyone who had information about me. I flatter myself. You wouldn't do that either.
I know why I continually put up with your empty promises and lack of effort. It's not because I love you - I don't even think that I do anymore. It's because I don't want to be alone. I know for a fact that after you and I are through, I will never bother with another relationship ever again, because all I seem to do is get screwed over by men.
I have no reason to love you. You have done nothing for me. You've never been to my house, you've never met my family, you've never bought me flowers, you never spent time with me when I was sick or injured, you never appreciate anything I do for you, you never tell me I'm pretty, you don't even tell me that you love me ... You just take me for granted. I know it, and you know it. But still things remain the same. 
What do I have to do to get you to listen? To really what it is that I am saying? You just stare off into space, and you say "I know". But I don't think that you do. I don't want you to tell me the things that you think I want to hear. I want you to change. I want you to stop being so lazy and actually think about what I want from you. The real question here is how much longer am I going to wait around for you to get your act together?
You said you were surprised that I hadn't broken up with you yet. You should feel extremely lucky ... Not that it would matter. If I broke up with you, you wouldn't come after me, begging me to take you back. Oh no, you're far too proud for that. That's another reason why I'm still here I guess; because if I make a brash decision, you wouldn't even care. 
Let me ask you this though - why do you want me around? It's not because you give a shit, that's for sure. Sex? Yes that would be it. The only reason alone. With you, I have stooped to an all new low, and I'm not proud of my actions. You don't care that I loathe having sex with you. It may be enjoyable for you, but it's not for me. How can it be when I have a man three times my body weight on top of me? You don't even make me feel good about myself. You tell me I have back dimples because I have gained weight. You tell me I should wax the hair off my skin. You insult me, and you make it seem like it's all a joke. Well, it isn't. You just hurt me, over and over again.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.

"You say to me that things will change ... I look in your eyes and I know that things will remain the same ... We've lost it all again ..." - Open Hand

Oct. 8th, 2009

A stroke of bad luck ...

"Did you call me at all?"
"No..."
"Did you send me a letter?"
"No."
"Postcard?"
"No."
"Smoke signal?"
"Stop ..."
"A nice fruit basket?"


Comic. Unfortunately, this is how my life feels with you.

Aug. 22nd, 2009

Just forget me, it's that simple.

 I unpacked my suitcase. It's 9 days before I leave and I feel like I can't do this any more. I hate talking to you on Skype and somehow I get the feeling you feel the exact same way. You don't want to talk to me ... You want to sit with your friends, play cards and drink beer with the German girls. All this, of course, while ignoring the 5 or 6 messages I send to you on Skype. Well, it doesn't matter any more. I told you I wanted to talk to you and you ignored me, so it called for desperate measures ...
I took every single piece of goddam clothing out of that red suitcase and put it back in my cupboard. I shoved my bag of toiletries back in the over stocked bathroom cupboard and in half an hour I'm seeing if I can cancel my ticket based on medical grounds. I'm already sick as hell, but you don't seem to fully understand the gravity of my situation. I've just about flunked out of university this semester so I could fly half way around the world to probably be ignored by you. You just don't get it, do you? I'd do anything for you, but right now I find it hard to feel as though I want to do it - you don't care about me right now. You've got other things to distract you. While you chat up and flirt with all the German girls at the card table, I'll be churning out assignment after assignment after goddam assignment. Relationships require sacrifice. I've sacrificed my health and one my education. So what have you sacrificed for me? Nothing.
So that's why I did it. That's why my suitcase is currently back under the bed in the spare room until when I really need it. Until you really want me. Because right now, I don't feel like you do.

Jul. 29th, 2009

29

You know what, sometimes I just want to talk to you. Just general chatter ... I don't want to talk to you about anything to do with sex, because to me, there's supposed to be more to a relationship than just that. I want you to talk properly to me for once; make an effort to ask me questions about my day ... But all it is about is sex sex sex. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!! I do not have a one track mind like you. So pick a different topic.

Jul. 11th, 2009

Cute

"Hey HoeMoe! hows euroventure going? do you still have functioning livers? can you let angus know that alice will prob move out around Dec/Jan which is pretty convenient timing if he should want to move back in with the cool kids. I have been looking after Rachell for you. She probably wont be your girlfriend when you get home, she'll be mine *insert evil laugh* But anyway we miss you guys and if you feel you need to come home early well i guess that would be ok. :)"


"Hey bitches. Travels are going well. As for coming home soon, I think not. Plus I'm not sure of she has told you but rach is coming over for 3 weeks at the end of sept. So that might be a dampener for her if I am not here. As for you stealing her.... I don't like your chances..."


 

Jun. 10th, 2009

I'm tired of being all alone

 Today was the first day I had heard from you since you went over seas. I thought for ages that the reason I wasn’t coping was because I hadn’t heard anything from you in four days, which is very unlike our relationship. Apparently, I was coping more before than I am now after reading your blog update and your facebook message.

It started like every other morning has so far. I wake up, check the time on my phone and remember that you’re not here. It’s silly … My phone has been so silent since you left and I’m beginning to wonder if that’s contributing to this funk I’m in. I get up, trudge down to the kitchen, turn my laptop on and head to facebook. I clicked on the red flag indicating that I had a notification, and had to read it twice when I saw your name in the box …

“sup crakkas, just thought i would chime in and say that you suck and that i love you so much and miss you so much”

I stared in disbelief at the fact you’d written on my wall, then it occurred to me that you would have updated your blog too. So I checked it out …

“Fast forward to Paris, the city of love. And boy was I missing mine . Its amazing how quickly one can get homesick when traveling.”

Once again I lost it.  I sat there before my computer in my pathetic state re-reading those words over and over again, just crying.

It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. I’m sick of crying – We haven’t broken up, but you’re just so, so far away from me that I can’t deal with it. If I could I would board a plane this very moment and fly halfway around the world just so I could be with you. I wonder what you would say if I told you that …

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