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June 2010

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Fear

The second I go to sleep, I'm afraid you will never wake up. I felt like I owed to you to be there beside you all day - I wanted to be, but I just couldn't do it. I saw your tiny body slumped against the side of the wall - inactive; completely robbed of energy and it broke my heart in a hundred different ways. As I sat outside in the storm I thought about how temporary all life is - from human kind, to animals, to plants ... Even foundations. Nothing in this world is permanent and it seems that I can't handle death. The most inevitable part of living and I can't think about it. I feel like the worst person in the world for how I have treated you. I only wanted to give you the best but it seems that I'm the one whose killing you. Everyone tells me that I've done everything I can for you, that "what will be, will be" - but I can't settle for that. I'll keep trying everything I can to save you. I'll pray for a miracle. Why is it so easy for everyone else but so hard for me to do this right? I'm such a horrible person and I'm so incredibly sorry that I bought you into this environment; into this life. I just wanted to give you everything you could have ever wanted. I just wanted you to have a perfect life and to be with me for the long haul. I'm so sorry baby. I love you forever.

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