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Jun. 7th, 2009

Did you know I miss you?

 For months we waited for the day to finally roll around and yesterday, it did. After an emotional 48 hours, I stood in front of you at Sydney airport with my arms wrapped around your neck listening to you tell me you loved me and that you’d miss me, and then I watched you walk down the chute towards an adventure that would separate us for the next five months. It’s so hard … I can’t even begin to describe how much I miss having you right here with me now and I’m beginning to realise how hard it’s going to be without you. October seems so far away. You haven’t even been gone a day yet. But I’ve got my calender and a pen, and I will continue to cross off the days until you come home to me. And on that day, I will be the happiest person in the world.

I spent hours piecing together a letter for you the day before you left. I wrote in out in my car as the rain hit the windscreen and the sky slowly faded into darkness. I sprayed the pages with my perfume and enclosed them in an envelope. The following day I hid it in amongst your travel documents on the bed in the spare room that was littered with items you’d be taking with you. I mentioned to you that I hid the letter somewhere, but caved in and told you s you hate surprises. You retrieved the letter and sat next to me on your bed reading it. I tried really hard to conceal the fact that I was crying … Seems I didn’t have to. I looked up at you and realised you weren’t sniffing from your cold – it was because you, too, were crying. You kissed me, and told me you loved me so much and that you would miss me. Such beautiful words, and a beautiful emotion, even in the midst of the actual event. At your farewell party you told me you were committed to our relationship and that was everything I wanted to hear … But I wanted you to be here so we could explore these emotions together. Instead I have to think about your words and trust in them until you get home. All I want if for you to come home … I’m hoping you stay safe, and I’m hoping you’re missing me as much as I’m missing you. I can’t stand to be alone right now. I’m taking comfort in the Mighty Boosh and staring at the only two photos I have of us. I’m replaying our final goodbye in my head and begging myself not to cry anymore. Because we’re not over … We’ve only just begun. Or we will be as soon as you get home. I will be here waiting for you because I know I’ll be as in love with you in five months time as I am now. I love you too.

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Time trickles down and I’m breathing for two

June 2, 2009 at 9:35 pm (Uncategorized) · Edit

It’s almost D-day … In three days you’ll be going overseas for 5 months and I will be left here by myself, wondering whether or not you’ll be coming back. We made plans to spend as time together as we could this week, but it’s Wednesday now, and I still haven’t seen you. You said you felt bad because you should be spending more time with me. I said not to worry, I knew you were busy and that I’d see you at your farewell on Friday. You then said you’d see me before then. I didn’t reply, because I doubt it. I know where I stand on the list of your priorities regarding this week. For some reason, I don’t care … I just feel numb. 

I want you to hurry up and go already. I’m sick of the anxiety I’m feeling from you leaving, and I just want time to myself without thinking about you or wondering why you havent texted me. If you come back to me, things are going to have to change. You want me to move to Canberra so we’re closer together … I’m not sure I want to. I said I loved you months ago and you said nothing … Now I’m questioning whether or not I really do and whether or not it’s worth me exerting so much energy trying to make it work between us. You know I like you, but how do you feel about me? I suppose the next 5 months will give you time to think about it.

You were talking to Claire when we were at muddle bar on the weekend and you said to her you were worried about money, and worried about me. I told you I’d be fine, and that I had complete faith in you. If only I could believe those words myself …

I don’t know what to feel. Like I said, I’m just numb. I want this week to be over already …

Jun. 4th, 2009

"It's warmer where you're waiting ..."

 It's D-day tomorrow ... For months now we've been counting down until you went overseas and suddenly that day has arrived. It seems strange that tomorrow is the last time I'll get to see you until mid october. It's far too long to wait; especially when you said this to me today: "I know I have never said it, but I think I have realised over the last few days that I am in love with you".
It's all I've been waiting to hear for months now, and I hate that you're leaving right when we've come to the most interesting part. It just sucks. I think I'm going to be ok though. I don't feel teary about you leaving - not yet anyway. Let's see what happens in 27 hours...
But I love you. And I will wait for you ... I waited for five years to be with you, so I'm sure another five months will be ok. I just hope you still want me when you get home. 

May. 5th, 2009

Gah

I never thought I would say this, but you are a shit boyfriend. Yesterday I ask you whether or not you want to do something on Wednesday night and got no response. I asked you again today and got no response until I prompted you to reply to my goddam message. You blamed your lack of response on being asleep, when really it was just you being lazy. You don't care about anything or anyone right now except for you and your big Europe plans, and even though I thought we cleared all this up, nothing has changed. You still forget me because I'm not in your direct line of vision, and you're not even there for me when I need you. I just wanted you to at least ask how everything went at the specialist today, but you didn't even do that. You don't ever ask me anything, it's always ME who's chasing after you, trying to get a simple answer to "How was your day."
You take me for granted and you walk all over me. You make me feel small and insignificant and it tears me up inside because you don't even care ... I doubt it would matter. I just want you to show some interest in my life. Is that really too much to ask? I know you don't love me, but can you at least pretend you give a shit about me?

Apr. 14th, 2009

Inhale, inhale - you're the victim.


You gotta help me out here. I'm having quite a lot of difficulty trying to pluck a conversation out of thin air with you. Every day it drives me crazy - I text you, or IM you. I ask you dozens of questions and you'll respond with one word. I know you told me you're a man of little words but this takes the concept to a whole new level. You make me feel annoying ... Like I'm intruding upon your personal time. I asked you today whether or not there was something on your mind preventing you from getting sleep and you told me to stop worrying about you. I was just showing some concern - I'd ask the same of anyone who told me they got three hours sleep. I didn't realise I'd overstepped some invisible boundary you'd drawn up ... But that's how it is with you. You don't tell me anything. You don't call, you don't text, you don't email, you rarely IM. Do you think I'm paranoid in thinking that you don't like me? Honestly, sometimes I think I'd be better off without you and these days I can't wait for you to leave the country and leave me alone for three months. I think I've gone insane.

Apr. 10th, 2009

And now it falls apart


I wanted to see you last night - So badly. But I didn't. Well not really. I waited hours for you, I bought new clothes to look nice in, agreed to go to the 'shindig' with you even though I felt horrible. I sat around waiting until you finished work but I just couldn't stay - You told me it was obvious I was sick because I looked white. I went home.
I'm pretty sure I blew it.
You're so distant towards me these days and although I love you I find myself in tears everyday, trying to make sense out of all of it. You're distracted too ... It takes you hours to text me back and sometimes you don't text me back at all. Then we had the following conversation over text messages last night:

Hey are you ok. I know you feel like crap but are you ok. Also. Just wanted to say, I'm not sure if it looks like I don't care sometimes, I do. I am just very relaxed about everything. If something is ever on your mind you have to let me know.

So I told you. I said I was confused, that I was trying to find a balance between giving you some personal space and trying to give you some personal space before you leave. I tell you my main concern and try and amount it all to nothing.
I shouldn't have bothered - YOU DID IT ALL FOR ME.

You said it was disappointing we couldn't have sex then said we should just keep it cool and casual until you get back. I asked you to clarify - The sex or the relationship. You said both.
I was hurt. Really hurt, upset.
I reply with a simple OK. Whatever you want I guess.
You say you want to keep it going like it and then we'll make it more serious when you get back from overseas, not that you're not taking it serious now,
COULD HAVE FOOLED ME, Clearly, this means a damn site more to me than it will ever to you and although I've squared with that sometimes it would be nice if you drove the 90 minutes to see me, or if you took the time to actually ASK me about our relationship rather than keep the subject taboo as it is now.

For God's sake, this is absolutely killing me and I honestly can't decide whether or not this is worth all the heartache and emotional stress you're putting me through. I'm trying to be the low maitenence girlfriend, one that gives you no trouble at all but I'm moments away from snapping because you dont reciprocate any of my feelings. You only say the things I want to hear and tell me you miss me when you're drunk. You don't really care for me at all, you're just putting up with me for another month until you go away and then you'll dump me after you get back. I've had this happen to me before you know ... I am only too aware of what will happen. I hate this ... Will you or wont you?? You're driving me crazy.

I'm sick of crying, so incredibly SICK of it because YOU DONT CARE. You'll still be sitting with your friends, having a beer and forgetting I exist. You admitted to me that the chase is over - So you're bored with me now?! Is that what this means?! Could you possibly be ANY CRUELER to me!? God. You're killing me. Throw me a line here and give me some insight to what you're thinking. I don't want to feel as low as I do forever. I want you to treat me like you did when we first started dating ... If only huh.

Feb. 21st, 2009

It's twelve o'clock and I need your attention

"Say goodnight our first goodbye, I’ve only got forever and forever is fine. Just take your time We’ll stop the clock together and know that the timing was right"

We talked seriously last night about us and the situation that we are in right now, and now I'm slightly more aware of how you feel about me. It was a rare feeling of courage that helped me send those messages to you that contained almost everything I've ever wanted to say to you on the subject. I know you spook as easily as I do in relationships, but I needed to tell you this. Somehow we were talking about sex, and the conversation that swung from that topic was one that had been sitting heavy on my heart for quite some time. Ever since I said I loved you I knew that if/when we ever have sex, it's going to break down every barrier that I've put up in an attempt to keep myself from hurting when you leave.

"Chances are I will probably get attached to you once we have sex because it's a big thing to me so if that's going to weird you out then maybe we shouldn't do it"
"Hey I am trying hard not to get attached at the moment. I know it's going to happen and all I'm afraid of is finding a way to fuck it all up whle I'm overseas. You are my girlfriend."
"I guess we will figure it out. Just giving you a heads up on the attachment thing ..."
"Exactly.  And that's cool. The only thing stopping this from being a completely normal relationship is that I'm going overseas for a few months"
"I thought it was 6 months? Either way it doesn't have to be seen as a bad thing - It's not in any way at all. Like I said we will figure it all out in due time"
"Yeah, whatever happens between us happens and I am happy with that"


So get attached to me! Honestly, I'd love that regardless as to whether or not you're leaving - I don't care. What I want is you. Right now, because you're here right now.  We don't have time up our sleeves like most couples do but really, I'm not phased. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the thought of you leaving. You say that you're afraid of finding a way to mess everything up when you're overseas and it gets me thinking of how you think you'll do that ... Girls. There are going to be girls everywhere over there paying attention to you, and wanting to sleep with you. My reactions to this are mixed - Sometimes I think Europe will be the end of us, other times I feel like telling you to screw whoever you want over there as long as you come home, love me and be faithful to me when you get back. But I'm not sure I can rightly ask you to do such a thing. So at the moment all I'm hoping is that in the next 12 weeks, I can make you fall in love with me so much that when you're over there I will be the only girl on your mind. Even when all those European girls toss their hair and shake their hips in front of you.
Love me. Please ... The day that you tell me you love me will be the happiest day in my life. We are such an odd combination but I dont want anyone but you. I think about you so often it irritates me. But I wouldn't change anything.

Feb. 10th, 2009

I know I've been foolish

"I loved you and I should have said it but tell me just what has it ever meant?!"

It's something I've been feeling for a while lately, regardless of how little time you and I have been together, but I told you last night that I loved you. I meant it but I'm pretty sure it wasn't my best idea.

"So you gonna freak out if I tell you I love you?"
"Nah not really"
"Good, cuz I'm thinking I kinda do"
"Sweet. Just dont get freaked out if I don't say it back because I treat it very seriously"

So by saying that, you just reduced the meaning of my words ... Did it ever occur to you that maybe it's equally as serious to me as it is to you? I'll never say it to you again because of what you said - I hope you know that. I don't want you to have the upper hand by realising the attachment is more in your favour than it is in mine. You know I'm use to having my words shrugged off but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when you treat my words like they don't mean a single thing to you.

"You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe - Why do you do this to me?"

Jan. 25th, 2009

I know that you know I know.



Yesterday I drove to Canberra with the intention of seeing you, since we had that planned for the better part of the week. So I get there and spend hours waiting for you to text me letting me know you're home from Sydney, but you didn't ... I gave in and texted you, and you replied saying you had relatives over that ask personal questions and you really wanted to spend time with me but...

But you didnt.
  I ended up sitting by the lake and seeing a movie by myself, and I felt so gloomy without you. You should have been there, and I know that family comes first but your comment made me feel that I didn't mean anything to you because you didn't want me to meet those nosy relatives. I wouldn't have cared, if you had wanted me there I would have been there in a second. Besides which, I have nothing to hide - I'm proud of what you and I have but you don't seem to want to tell anyone about us. You haven't told your family, you haven't changed your facebook relationship status (yes, that actually matters so me, it's so unbelievably stupid) and I bet none of your friends will know I exist until I arrive at Transit for your birthday. If you still want me there. And if you actually mention who I am to them.

So now I'm stuck in this awkward situation where I don't know what you and I are to each other - Well, you know how I feel. It's so obvious because I'm an open book to you; so easy to read. You aren't as easy to decipher as I am, and it kills me. I'm always worried you're going to leave me the first chance that you get and I'm trying really hard to play everything by ear and be cool with it. I feel like I'm getting better at letting myself cool down when I get a text message from you that makes me angry, and giving you some space even though its hard for me. I have definately missed you in the last 9 days of not seeing you, but not to the point where its unbearable. So if we are still together when you go to Europe I will know I will be able to survive 9 days out of the possible 180 that you're away for. You can't tell me that's not progress :P

So now I'm having second thoughts about your birthday present (of all things). I spent quite a bit of money on it, and I'm not sure what's going to happen when I give it to you. It's nothing bad, it's just a digital photo frame, but I don't know if you'll freak out and think we're beyond serious because of the money I spent on you. Really, it's not that at all - It's the only idea people gave me that was possible to get away with getting. I couldn't get you anything else because I don't know anything about you. It may help if you actually gave me something about you to run with. I can't even tell you what you're favourite colour is. If I asked you, you'd probably say something like "I don't have one, it depends on my mood". It's almost like there are no answers with you - You're an unfinished chapter.

Well, regardless as to how you feel about me, I'm going to make your birthday card. I will personally make you an impersonal birthday card which I hope you may look at and understand that I'm trying to convey a hundred different emotions in one piece of cardboard without saying the words I know you don't want to hear me ever speak before you leave.

I fucking love you. I'm sorry.

Jan. 18th, 2009

Start static

As much as I want to believe that I can do it, I just don't think I can ... I want to believe that I can be in a relationship with you for the next 4 months and then be able to wave you off at the airport without so much as shedding a tear and missing you before you've even stepped foot on the plane. It's not possible ... But its not like we didn't take the necessary precautions for this relationship. We knew what time frame we had to work with and we decided that we would keep it casual and not let ourselves get too attached to one another - But last night we were texting one another and you go and say something like "We are basically offical now right?" then I ask you if you think we are and you just say you're not sure what we are but that you like it... Its almost like we both just gave in and decided to make ourselves (or just me at the very least) miserable in 4 months time ... But I know this is something that I want - I've debated the points with myself over and over, and I know what I should do, but I'm blatantly ignoring my better judgement and doing the exact opposite. Logic tells me to get out now before I can hurt myself beyond anything I'd have ever imagined before. The rest of my being is telling me to throw caution to the wind and to make the most of the short yet amazing moments I have with you. You're not going to be someone I'm going to forget after 6 months and I suppose my biggest fear is that you will forget about me ... I can't let you forget about me because if you do everything we would have shared together the previous months before you left will have been in vain. I can't let you forget about me ... I guess I just want to be the cool, relaxed girlfriend you will want to come back to. I wonder if I'm at all successful in that act.
I will admit though that I'm worried that your friend (who has watched his girlfriend fly off to manchester for 6 months) has scared you away from me... You've had to watch the emotions that he's had to go through in the wake of his girlfriends departure and you've probably thought that would be me ... I've had to reassure you that I'm going to be ok when you leave even though I know for a fact that I'm lying profusely through my teeth. I'm not going to be ok - I'm going to be an absolute mess in your absence, but I can hardly tell you that, can I? You'd run for the hills if I did. I'm always worried about giving you cold feet ... I told you today that I missed you and I feel like I probably crossed an invisible line between "attached" and "dependant" - A line that I obviously wasn't supposed to cross. It wasn't the right thing to say at all aparently. I'm not dependant on you for my happiness, but having you around makes it a whole lot easier. Well, sometimes anyway ... It's not always fun and games - It's hard work but I think that it's going to be worth it - I really do. Well, it will be if we've made the right decision.
Im dealing with so many emotions right now in regards to you that I just cant figure out a place to start working the knots out. I don't want to lie to you, but if I tell you the truth I'm almost positive you'd try and end our relationship now, just when it's starting to take its shape. I know that if I'm completely and utterly honest with you about how your leaving is going to affect me, you'd be away from me so quickly I wouldnt even get time to say goodbye. My timing is so unbelievably horrible. I know I can be full on, so I'm trying really hard not to freak you out right now but in doing so I feel like Im burying myself alive under the stress of these emotions. Well, not so much the the stress of the emotions, but the stress of not knowing what to do about these emotions. Quite frankly, I like you so much Ive considered telling you to do whatever the hell you want to do overseas but just to come back to me and pick up where we left off - but I can't ask you to do that. How can I? You could be a complete stranger to me after 6 months. There's a 50/50 chance you'll either come back a different person (as most people do after a stint overseas) or you will miss me so much that we'll be together again after you come back and just pick up where we left off. Ever the optimist aren't I?  But then again, who's to say we will still be together when you leave? It's not a certainty thats for sure.... Still, it'd be nice. The irony. I want to be happy with you now so I can be miserable with you later. Not be miserable now, and be happy later.... Honestly, I swear I make things harder on myself. Mum's told me to not think about it, and I think she's onto something good there... Ignorance is bliss. *sigh* I just like you so damn much. Life's not fair ...

Jan. 4th, 2009

"I'm looking for a nice way to say I'm out, I want out"


I was surprised when you finally made a move on me in the cinema the other night - I thought I'd almost dreamed that you liked me, because I was getting absolutely nothing. But I spent the majority of the movie in your arms and relaxing and I remember feeling so happy that something was finally happening between us.
But that feeling was very short lived.
We spent the next few days texting each other non stop about all sorts of things, and then last night you said to me that you didn't want us to get in too deep because you were going overseas indefinately. I knew that already, I've thought about it before. And I admit, at first I was really hurt by what you said because your "Don't get too attached" made me feel like I was just a fling, but how can I not get attached to you when you're sending me 30 text messages a day, and we're spending time together?? It's impossible. So I didn't text you at all today, and honestly, I've never felt gloomier ... Then I realised you probably told me not to get too attached because I was already attached and I didn't actually realise the extent of it. So I don't know what to do about it now... I don't know whether or not I should just continue to be on stop-text with you, or have both of us sit down and talk it out. I'm in exactly the same situation I was with Andy - I'm participating in a relationship that is cut short by time and is devoid of all emotions. I'm just not entirely sure I can get through that again. I felt so empty without Andy in my life and it took me months to get myself back on track after that. I don't think I could part with you ... Just like him, your return date is indefinate, and I've chosen to get myself hooked on you just before you have to leave. Fantastic fucking timing on my part - AGAIN.
Its just not in my nature to participate in a relationship and keep my heart uninvolved. I like you a hell of alot, but I know for a fact if we keep this going on I will get incredibly upset when it comes time for you to leave. You can't put your plans on hold for me, and I can't put my plans on hold for you, even though I would if I could. Shit, I'd definately do it. I've finally met someone who's as close in moral values as I am, and fate takes them halfway across the world for 6 months?? Thanks Fate. I wish I knew what to do ... A part of me wants to keep this going on, because I hope maybe you'll get halfway around the world and miss me like crazy. You're always telling me you dont know what you want until you don't have it, right? So maybe you'll still like me if/when you get back, right?? Oh Christ, I'm pathetic ... But you're amazing, and I don't want to lose you in anyway, be it friendship or something greater. Then I think, if I stop everything right now it's probably going to save me a lot of heartache. But until then I could be having three months of happiness with you?? Honestly, I know which way the scales are tipping, but I think I'm probably going to go and balance it out by taking the other side. Chances are, I probably WILL continue giving you my attention, even though in 6 months time, you probably WILL forget me when you see the gorgeous English girls .... Life's a bitch sometimes.

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