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June 2010



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You have to follow through

[Warning: Epic rant containing the painful truth]

Since you have been home I have experienced a tumult of emotions. Sometimes I'm happy beyond belief, the majority of the time though, I swear my life would be easier without you. After eleven months of dating there was talk of you spending your first night at my house this weekend. Now you're saying that you'll play it by ear - usually a good indiction that you're ready to bail.
But my finances have officially run out. I can no longer afford the fuel to drive an hour and a half to your house to see you, or afford to spend a week down the coast with you and your friends. You're the person who earns an obscene amount of money every week - why can't you come to see me? More importantly - why can't you ever follow through with anything that you say?
You keep telling me that things will get better when we see each other but you're so busy that we never do. You told me we were supposed to do something during the week. It's Friday - we've done nothing. You were going to bail on Amy's Melbourne Cup party too, even though you knew one of the reasons I was going was to catch up with you. Things were supposed to be different. We talked on Tuesday night and I told you everything that was bothering me. But it hasn't made a difference at all. At the end of the day it's still me chasing after you - it's still me who gets hurt waiting and wishing for you to come good with your promises to change how things are between us. I asked you if you honestly thought that we could fix everything and you simply said that you didn't know - but that we had to try. But what's the point in trying when all I ever do is get hurt by you?
You said that you were trying to chase your dream here - Well what about my dream? You think you're the only person in the world who has aspirations. I want to be an animator and work for Dreamworks or Disney Pixar. Do you want to know what happened to MY dream? I sacrificed it the moment I chose you over my studies. Now I have failed this semester for absolutely nothing. You don't know any of this because you've never bothered to ask. Jess is right - You have typical Only Child Syndrome - you only ever think about YOURSELF. Hell, you don't even ask how I am. It's just always about you.
I told you the other night that I would never ask you to choose between photography and myself, because I knew which one you would choose and it would never be me. I don't think I have ever stood in the way of your dreams. I have never asked you to spend time with me and not attend a concert or wedding that you were supposed to shoot. No, I've trailed along to concerts ... I've waited hours for you to finish shooting a wedding - but I have NEVER asked you to give up your dream to spend time with me, so don't you DARE make me feel guilty for being your girlfriend. God, this is NOT how it's supposed to be at all ... 
You said our relationship didn't have the spark that it use to have - I told you it was because I was scared that I'd get hurt again.
You can't even begin to imagine how much my trip overseas affected me. I cried for 23 hours on the flight home. Once I was in Australia I called every psychologist in Canberra organising a time to see them, because I was so sure that the problem was with ME. I have been on anti depressants since the day after I came home because I simply cannot deal with you - and as for my self esteem? Well, I now have none. Because all you want me for is my god damn body. I'm not attracted to you anymore, in any way whatsoever. All I do is hurt because I know that no matter what you say things will never change.
If you really knew how much going to London to see you affected me, you would know that for weeks I had thought about some fantastic ways to commit suicide so I wouldn't have to put up with being second best in your life. The first - taking an empty syringe and injecting air into my bloodstream. In a matter of seconds, I'd be dead from a heart attack. The second - accidentally on purpose forgetting to turn a corner on the highway at 130k's an hour. Then I wondered what the point would be. You wouldn't care. Hell - you wouldn't even KNOW. If something happened to me, you would never find out because you don't know my family, my friends or even my address. There would be no way you could contact anyone who had information about me. I flatter myself. You wouldn't do that either.
I know why I continually put up with your empty promises and lack of effort. It's not because I love you - I don't even think that I do anymore. It's because I don't want to be alone. I know for a fact that after you and I are through, I will never bother with another relationship ever again, because all I seem to do is get screwed over by men.
I have no reason to love you. You have done nothing for me. You've never been to my house, you've never met my family, you've never bought me flowers, you never spent time with me when I was sick or injured, you never appreciate anything I do for you, you never tell me I'm pretty, you don't even tell me that you love me ... You just take me for granted. I know it, and you know it. But still things remain the same. 
What do I have to do to get you to listen? To really what it is that I am saying? You just stare off into space, and you say "I know". But I don't think that you do. I don't want you to tell me the things that you think I want to hear. I want you to change. I want you to stop being so lazy and actually think about what I want from you. The real question here is how much longer am I going to wait around for you to get your act together?
You said you were surprised that I hadn't broken up with you yet. You should feel extremely lucky ... Not that it would matter. If I broke up with you, you wouldn't come after me, begging me to take you back. Oh no, you're far too proud for that. That's another reason why I'm still here I guess; because if I make a brash decision, you wouldn't even care. 
Let me ask you this though - why do you want me around? It's not because you give a shit, that's for sure. Sex? Yes that would be it. The only reason alone. With you, I have stooped to an all new low, and I'm not proud of my actions. You don't care that I loathe having sex with you. It may be enjoyable for you, but it's not for me. How can it be when I have a man three times my body weight on top of me? You don't even make me feel good about myself. You tell me I have back dimples because I have gained weight. You tell me I should wax the hair off my skin. You insult me, and you make it seem like it's all a joke. Well, it isn't. You just hurt me, over and over again.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.

"You say to me that things will change ... I look in your eyes and I know that things will remain the same ... We've lost it all again ..." - Open Hand